Personal update | What I Have Been Going Through...
Welcome to my blog post where I talk about my personal struggles.
Everyone goes through tough times and I wanted to share what I went through and what I'm currently going through. It's been a year and I'm finally ready to talk about it.
Let's take it back to last New York Fashion Week in September 2016. Two weeks before to be exact, I took a pregnancy test and it came out positive. I remember the moment very clearly, I took a Clear Blue digital test and I had my husband check it because I was 100% sure it was going to read "not pregnant." He went to look at it and was said "Uhhh.. babe I think you want to come see this." I was confused and got up to read it and it said very clearly, "Positive."
We weren't trying at the time and I remember looking up at my husband and we held each other and started tearing up in pure joy. I sat on the coffee table and held the test and thought to myself, "Wow, we are going to be parents."
I didn't have health insurance at the time so I wasn't able to get it confirmed by a doctor. So I figured I'd see a doctor when I got back from fashion week after reading articles that you really don't need to see a doctor until your 2nd trimester.
Fast forward to fashion week, it was mine and Nicks first time to the big apple. I didn't take on too many clients since I wanted to explore the city when possible. My September was completely booked- For this fashion week, I was suppose to cover street style for a local magazine, shoot with a couple of clients. After fashion week, I was going to be shooting a weekend press trip for Visit Dallas with four bloggers along with shooting a wedding for a dear friend in between.
September 2016 was a month I was looking forward to because it was filled with all of these amazing opportunities that I knew was going to help with my career.
My husband and I packed up and drove to NYC. We love going on a road trips together any chance we can get. Nothing beats listening to tunes driving through unfamiliar areas, holding hands. Just the two of us.
Day one (Friday 9th) after arriving in New York, we got there with $50 in pocket. Unfortunately, my husbands job at the time decided to switch up their direct deposit companies so his paycheck was delayed. This day was very hard and we took on a lot of stress. We still had our car and didn't have the funds at the time to check into our hotel. We drove around NYC (in our personal car) to knock out my scheduled shoots for the day and waited around til we heard back from my husbands manager. He told him he'd take care of it in a couple of hours but it turned out he was never paid until the following day because the manager "forgot" to wire money to our acct. So with the help from family, we were able to eat, drop off our car at the airport, and check into our hotel around midnight. Luckily, my husband no longer works for this company.
So day 2 (Sat 10th) comes around and everything was perfect. We thought it could only go up hill from here. My shoots went well and I met and worked with some amazing bloggers who I have dreamt to shoot with. My husband was kind to come with me to all of my shoots to help since we were unfamiliar with the city.
During our free time we went down to the Banana Republic presentation so I could capture some street style to cover for the local magazine. I ran into some of my favorite Dallas and Fort Worth bloggers and shot some of their outfits. One blogger had an Aveda bag that clashed with her outfit so I offered to hold it for her while we shot. After, my husband and I got into our uber to roam around Central Park and that's when I noticed I still had the Aveda bag. I had my husband put it in his backpack along with my camera since I was done shooting for the day and we were about to walk around to explore the city.
When we got back to the hotel, I smelled this strong but lovely scent and noticed it came from my husbands backpack. *Cue horror song.* The hairspray didn't have a top on the nozzle and it leaked all over my camera and lens. I wiped down the camera and lens as much as I could and the camera turned on so I assumed it work.
The following day (Sun 11th), I had a morning shoot with a local client. We were so excited because I was to shoot her and her husband for a huge campaign and we had the skyscrapers of NYC as our background. Well, after I pressed the button to take the photo, my camera stared reading an error message stating that the shutter was not working.
I felt completely horrible and we had to cancel the shoot. First, we had to wait around and find a camera store that was open, since they usually didn't open until the afternoon on Sundays. After taking my camera to get checked, I was told my camera was not good anymore. My stomach dropped thinking about all of the big shoots I still had ahead of me. Family came through once again and I was able to buy another camera.
Luckily, it only went up from this situation and I was able to finish fashion week, the press trip, and the wedding successfully.
But with all of the stress I dealt with, I knew my hormones were going insane. My periods were irregular and my skin started developing the worst acne it's ever experienced. I just assumed it was due to early pregnancy symptoms.
After months had past and I was so sure that I was pregnant, we finally had health insurance. I went to my obgyn on multiple visits and we did blood tests and a sonogram. My doctor informed me that either my hormones were so imbalanced that it threw off the pregnancy test or its very possible that I had an early miscarriage. We were devastated. But we knew that we wanted to become parents at this point.
She gave us a two month window to try and get pregnant. Well those two months had passed and yet again, I thought I was pregnant because I had all of the symptoms. I had another doctors appointment and we did another blood test. A couple of days later, she gave me a call and diagnosed me with PCOS. This meant that basically, my hormones were extremely imbalanced and wouldn't allow me to get pregnant.
I was prescribed a form of birth control for three months to try and help get my hormones back to normal.
Having PCOS has been one of the biggest struggles I had to go through. I was very weak, always thought negatively, had argued with my husband for very small things, gained weight, and went through horrible break outs. It really takes changes you into this horrible person and takes a huge toll on your body. Think going through PMS but for months.
After the three months of being on birth control, my skin had cleared and my whole personality had completely changed. I was very positive and my relationship with my husband had gotten stronger. We were happy once again. Here is a before and after of my skin from January 1st of this year, compared to a picture I took September 21st.
I stopped working on weekends and I can say that has helped with my relationship and my sanity. I'm so grateful I made that decision at the beginning of the year.
We started trying again but it's just been a hard journey not being able to get pregnant. There have been so many days and nights that I just sit and cry and think to myself that life is so unfair and would fall into a temporary depression. Seeing pregnancy announcements left and right on instagram and on social media is/was very hard for me. This explains my absence and why I haven't been posting on social media as often as I did the previous years. A client whom I work with weekly was pregnant when I first was going through this. I honestly thought it was going to be hard, but after doing shoots in her nursery, I couldn't help but be happy and excited for her. It just made me more excited and gave me more of a want to be a mother.
Fast forward to today, I have to make this life change if I want this dream to become a reality. I am going to be giving it my all try to be the healthiest that I have ever been. To do this, I have to let go of what is causing my stress.
I go through stress because I have a hard time saying no.
Which includes driving to Dallas 2-3 times weekly. The drive takes a total of 2 hours (an hour there and an hour back.) I stress from saying yes to shoots being "rushed" which takes time away from spending time with my husband. I say yes to working clients into a booked schedule even though I know it takes away from my work-out time. I was just trying to make everyone else happy even though it took a toll on my well being. But enough is enough. I need to put my foot down and put what's important first. Which is working on myself. I need to make sure I'm okay. My goal right now is to start a family.
So with that being said, I made the decision to pull my services out of Dallas temporarily starting in November. It may not solve the problem, but it's a start.
I greatly appreciate my clients who have been there for me and listened to me during my hardest times. I wouldn't have traded that support for anything.
I want to give a shout out to my amazing husband, Nicholas, who has been there for me through it all.
I'm so looking forward to this life change and can't wait to be my healthiest!
*Note: I decided to not have the post proof-read. It's 100% coming from my heart. I apologize in advance for any spelling or grammar mistakes.*